The website for grandparents

Saying 'No' is a kind of loving

Just a bag of sweets

Take the most commonplace example. What’s wrong with the occasional illicit bag of sweets? Just a temporary attack on their teeth? Or is it a major assault on your grandchild’s physical well-being and psyche and on your own child’s principles, striking at the heart of parental authority, implying scant respect for their values and therefore ultimate worth as people …?

Over the top? Perhaps, but think about those sweets for a minute. 'It’s only now and then. Where’s the harm?' you might think as you slip them over with a wink and a ‘Shush, don’t tell your mum.’

Opportunists and rods

But there it is, right there – you’re effectively saying that what their parents think doesn’t matter. And that will, believe me, come back to bite you somewhere down the road. Because children, from infancy, are opportunists – they divide and rule. If they see a crack in the wall of authority, they’ll break through it without a second’s hesitation.

Or maybe you don’t like telling them off, so you turn a blind eye, indulge their tantrums and let them have their own way. Before you know where you are, whenever they’re with you they’ll expect to get away with behaviour that won’t wash at home. You’ve made a rod for your own back.

Worse than that, you’re teaching your grandchildren to be manipulative, and you're upsetting your children by making yourself popular at their expense.

Sticking to a strategy

The answer lies in agreeing a strategy with your children and sticking to it. If you’re all consistent, there’s nothing to exploit. This isn’t just for us grown-ups – it’s important for the children, too. It’s long been proved that children respond better to having boundaries, to knowing what standards are expected of them, than to a vacuum.

But that doesn’t mean you have to be a killjoy. Of course, it’s lovely to give your grandchildren treats and to have them happy and relaxed around you rather than worrying you’ll be cross – and all that is our job. The difference between pleasing them and gratifying their every whim lies in their expectations – to understanding that 'No' does indeed mean no.

For their own sake, they need to grow up considerate, unselfish, caring human beings – then they’ll be liked, respected, loved. 

And you play a key role in bringing that about.

Some useful BeGrand.net links

How much to you spend weekly on sweets for your grandchildren?
Can grandparents say 'No' to grandchildren?
Have your say in these two polls.

Grandparents – sweets for treats?
In her blog, Gill Perks asks: 'Do you indulge your grandchildren with bags of sweets as treats or use food to pacify them if they have a tantrum?' Comments welcome!

A useful video

Comments